Healing Songs: CHARACTERISTICS

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE ADULT CHILD
In Your "Heart of Hearts" You Will Know !

ADULT CHILDREN GUESS AT WHAT NORMAL IS

These homes vary from slightly mad to extremely bizarre. The children have no real frame of reference. They don't have the freedom to ask questions. They think television shows like the "Brady Bunch" are based on a real family, and they know their family could never be like that, but they surely spend a lot time wishing that it could be. Fantasy is an important survival tool of the child of the alcoholic but it adds to confusion, which is already rampant in the child's mind. "What if" plays a significant role in childhood, especially, "What if my parent(s) got sober?". This too was important to survival but again, it only added to the confusion. This is a family that has unreal expectations of each other, the rest of the world, and especially of themselves. This family also deals in absolutes, black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. Children often sense that their family is different and they figure everyone else is normal, so they guess at what normal is. Normal becomes an obsession and becoming normal becomes paramount.

When these children grow up and have children of their own, they still do not know what normal is. They tend to perpetuate the cycle by placing the same expectations on their children, even if they are not alcoholic. Do they know what to expect from a 9 year old or a 13 year old? Probably not. They were not average 9 or 13 year olds. They probably had expectations placed on them far beyond their age and often beyond their capacities. They expect their children to be as they were.

ADULT CHILDREN HAVE DIFFICULTY IN FOLLOWING A PROJECT THROUGH FROM BEGINNING TO END

Everyone procrastinates. These people do too, but not in the usual sense. Lack of knowledge is not the same as procrastination. Problem-solving skills were not a high priority in the families of alcoholics. Time was often not available to sit down with the kids and help with a school project where task priority, time schedules, etc. were worked out and encouraged to be followed. Their parents may have promised to do so but it somehow never materialized. In fact, their life was full of broken promises. They were told that new toy could be built, or that exciting trip could be taken as soon as the work was done, or the beer was finished, or Dad got home from "work." These children learned promises were made to be broken and the people giving them could not be trusted. It was not talked about.

Once they become adults, these people have enormous difficulty deciding on a particular focus for a project, figuring out all the steps required to complete a project, or sifting the pertinent information necessary to finish a project. Studying for exams, completing courses, and arranging a work schedule can all be overwhelming tasks that they just can never get around to. Just like their parents, though, they want credit for the idea even if it doesn't come to fruition. After all, it's not their fault.

ADULT CHILDREN LIE WHEN IT WOULD BE JUST AS EASY TO TELL THE TRUTH

The name of the game is Denial. The "elephant in the living room" syndrome lives in the minds of all adult children of alcoholics. Mother calls the office and says Dad is seriously ill. Meanwhile, he's just hung-over. Excuses were given to friends, teachers, children, and anyone else involved in the family's life as to why something could or could not happen, why they could or could not go somewhere, and why they had black eyes or broken ribs or were in the hospital, and at some point the children almost believed their parents. At least they believed in the reasons for lying. Sometimes, they did believe them and disregarded their own realities and what they were seeing. They learned they could avert unpleasantness, deny painful realities, and generally make life easier. They learned that the broken promises were really just lies; the excuses - just lies; the coverups - just lies; but that there were some real benefits to be derived from lying. It is easier to lie and avert the unpleasantness involved when you take your friends home to a drunken father on the living room floor. It is easier to lie and feign illness than face the failure of an exam because your parents were fighting all night and you couldn't study or sleep.

When a child learns that the only time to get the non-alcoholic's attention is when a crisis is happening, that child learns to create bigger than life crises to get the attention needed and longed for. She learns to lie to meet her needs. In adulthood, some things don't change. The best story-teller at the party is considered the life of the party even if everyone knows the stories aren't true. Besides, even when a child tells the truth, it is no guarantee that the parents will believe her. In an alcoholic home, this is even more true. Lying begins to come naturally, even though it is difficult to remember to whom you told what. Joan, a 26-year old guidance counselor whose mother was an alcoholic, said, "I find myself lying, and about halfway through the lie wanting to say, 'Stop! That's a lie. That's not it. Let's start over again,' but too embarrassed to do it." It has become a habit.

Even if you have learned to tell the truth about situational things, your feelings may be causing you trouble. It is not unusual for adult children of alcoholics to have difficulty recognizing their own feelings, much less be honest about them to others. So in effect, you really are not telling a lie; you just are not telling the truth.

A.C.O.?.'S JUDGE THEMSELVES WITHOUT MERCY

These kids are never good enough, smart enough, tough enough, fast enough, or "something" enough. They lived with constant criticism which eventually was internalized. They believe they have to be perfect, better than everyone else just to be equal. If they do something well, they tell themselves it was nothing, it was easy. It something goes wrong, they won't blame other people. They will take the blame even if it is not their fault, convinced they are jinxed or something. Even if they are able to admit it is someone else's fault, they won't be nearly as hard on them as they are on themselves. It involves a warped sense of humility, this martyrdom does. It somehow gets tied in with their fear of abandonment too.

A.C.O.?.'S HAVE DIFFICULTY HAVING FUN

Life is a very serious business for the child of an alcoholic. Much time is spent just surviving. The burden of responsibility this child carries intrudes on any fun she may have. Children of alcoholics sense they are different, therefore isolated from other children. They are not able to take friends home for fear of what they may find there and the embarrassment everyone would feel. It is difficult to be involved in the extra curriculum at school when you have to rush home and make supper, and the conflict it causes it not worth the pleasure derived from the activity. How does one enjoy oneself without suffering severe guilt when one sees one's parent suffering so, or having such a bad time of it, especially if the parent is really vocal about it?

Patterns developed in childhood are difficult to overcome. An overdeveloped sense of responsibility, a burdensome guilt complex, and an ocean of insecurity keep adult children of alcoholics from experiencing much fun. Even if they choose to be "party animals," more often than not it is because of the family role they choose or their own disease of alcoholism which is governing the behavior, not the actual desire or capacity to have fun. Many A.C.O.?.'s appear to be having fun when actually they have learned how to put up a good front.

A.C.O.?.'S TAKE THEMSELVES VERY SERIOUSLY

Once again, life was a very serious, angry business for the child of an alcoholic and at times even life threatening. The spontaneous child is not allowed to survive. A parent who is constantly hung over during the life of her children is not going to allow a happy, bouncing, exuberant child to come bounding onto the bed at 7 in the morning to say, "Gee Mom, look at the sun shining, isn't it great." Very quickly, the children learn to weigh what they do and say according to the alcoholic's mood and physical state of being. The number of perfectionists developed in these homes is astounding. They are prime candidates for burn-out in their late 20's and early 30's. In spite of this, a very high percentage go into the human services field. Some statistics quote as high a percentage as 65%; some say these estimates are low. Corporate executives who are very successful are often the eldest child of an alcoholic parent who took on the role of the family hero, so instead of developing alcoholism, the executives developed workaholism.

A.C.O.?.'S HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS

Although A.C.O.?.'s desperately want intimate relationships, they have difficulties for a number of reasons: A) They have no frame of reference. The marriage of their parents was often rocky at best moderately dysfunctional. Modeling was not a conscious effort on their part. Even if they did think about the poor example they were setting for their children, the nature of the disease that gripped them did not allow for adjustments. B) The "come here, come here - go away, go away, go away" syndrome developed a strong approach-avoidance conflict within the young children of alcoholics. Hand in hand went the fear of abandonment. Minor issues quickly become major as the fear of abandonment took precedence in their lives. C) Talking is not one of their strong points, at least talking about things that are important and significant to them. Again, this was not modeled. Silence is not golden in an alcoholic home. In fact, silence can be even more fearful than the conflict that exists. It is indeed a paradox that the adult child is unable to talk about feelings and yet reads the silence. One A.C.O.A. member put it this way: "I hate the silence to this day; that's why I talk so much; I can't stand silence. Perfect silence is awful, especially when there's a lot of tension, 'cause there's no way to release it. My mother still says she doesn't know how my head is still in one piece, because she says I would go in my room and pound my head against the wall. No one ever came in." A choice was not to break the silence through discussing what was going on, but to suffer alone and find another way to break the silence. How does a child talk about the rejection and the accompanying pain when they discover the bottle is more important to their parents than he/she is? How does a child talk about the anger the child feels when the non-drinking parent forgets to come to the play in which the child has a leading role because the drinking parent stormed out the door to go get drunk? Or worse, how does one talk about what's going on when the non-drinking parent will even pretend not to see or hear the sexual abuse the drinking parent is inflicting upon the young child in the next room? How does one trust after such neglect? D) Sex is used as a weapon - a reward/punishment system. When this is shouted out in the middle of the night by an adolescent's parents, it has a profound effect on the attitude developed around sexual relations. At times, it begins in other ways. The offering or denial of affection of a parent depending upon a child's goodness or badness can be generalized as can just the operation of the household run on rewards for good behavior and punishment for bad behavior especially when of an emotional nature. E) Incest is rampant in alcoholic homes. This often results in causing trust issues for the adult child. The effects of incest on the survivors is well documented and stands true for the incest victims in alcoholic homes.

As a result of these issues and the co-dependency nature of the adult child's parents' relationship, a crippling sense of abandonment develops. During an argument, it is not unusual for an A.C.O.A. to need constant reassurance that their partner is not going to leave them, is only angry but still loves them. The issue of co-dependency and intimacy is such a large issue for A.C.O.?.'s.

A.C.O.?.'S OVERREACT TO CHANGES OVER WHICH THEY HAVE NO CONTROL

Adult children are regularly accused of being controlling, rigid, and lacking in spontaneity. How this comes about is not difficult to understand when applying it to the baffling, cunning, insidiousness of alcoholism. Situations happened on a regular basis which strongly affected these kids - situations over which they had no control. In order to survive, they needed to find ways to cope so that they felt like they had some control. This is how the roles are taken on and developed to such elaborate degrees. It is a way these children can feel as though they have some control over their lives and the events taking place in it. As a result, this is carried on into adulthood, and control becomes the major issue for many adult children of alcoholics. They are very resistant to change, especially quick changes. To them, this signifies loss of control. If they were victims of incest, this always becomes the major issue of their lives. Something as trivial as a date deciding to change the place to have supper without discussing it with an adult child can lead to a cessation of the relationship and at the very least, cancellation of the date. The adult child will probably not even be aware of why she is doing it, only that it is something she must do.

A.C.O.?.'S CONSTANTLY SEEK APPROVAL AND AFFIRMATION

As a result of the "conditional love" experienced by A.C.O.A.'s, no internal focus of control and affirmations developed. Compliments, no matter how well deserved or sincere, are not well received by adult children. It is very difficult for them to accept affirmations from others. Often when they were children, a compliment was a warm-up for some sort of request or letdown from a parent. They trust "warm fuzzies" from others as much as they trust "promises." Their low self-esteem also makes it difficult for positive strokes to be made or heard, since anyone who cares so much may not be worth much.

Anorexia and bulimia are common ailments of A.C.O.?.'s as well. These tie in well with this characteristic as well as the previous one. No one can force another person to eat or keep food down. It is a control issue tied up with self image based on societal approval. Since skinny is the optimum look, skinny is what you go for.

A.C.O.?.'S FEEL THAT THEY ARE DIFFERENT FROM OTHER PEOPLE.

Part of this comes from their warped sense of reality that their family is abnormal and everyone else's is normal. Part of this is because they are different to some degree. They think that in a group, everyone else is comfortable, whereas they feel awkward. Because they were so isolated as children, and in fact not allowed to be children when they were children, they did not get much opportunity to develop many social skills. They picked unrealistic role models who were one of the absolutes, all good, all bad, and perfect at being that one virtue. They had no concept which said acceptance didn't have to be earned, so they tried various means to be accepted, which usually brought them ridicule or at least strange looks. They gave away prized possessions, tried bribes, were the first to try daring stunts, or played the clown to well that the other children saw them as insensitive. Working on the self-fulling prophesy, these children thought they were different and other children reacted to this and treated them differently. Besides, how does a child who watched his mother receive a beating the night before relate to another child talking about who the prom queen is going to be? Chances are the child from the alcoholic home isn't going to the prom and will probably never get to go to a prom.

A.C.O.?.'S ARE EITHER SUPER RESPONSIBLE OR SUPER IRRESPONSIBLE

For adult children, there is no middle ground. They either take it all on or they totally abdicate. For an A.C.O.?., it is easier to do it alone than share responsibility. After all, what is co?operation? When problem solving is such a hit and miss proposition, working with someone will bring that out in the open, and then what about your front? They have no sense of being a part of a project or of their own limitations, especially if they are the eldest child of an alcoholic. Without learning to say no, these adult children will burn out. In the meantime, they can't be found out that they're incompetent.

A quote from an A.C.O.?. may have an element of humor in it, but it is true for many adult children. A classmate commented to her, "You book your days so full that there is no time to even go to the bathroom." The A.C.O.A.'s response was, "That's not true. I do plan to go to the bathroom. It's just I bring a book along." The other comment commonly heard about A.C.O.A.'s is that others get tired just watching them.

A.C.O.?.'S ARE EXTREMELY LOYAL, EVEN IN THE FACE OF EVIDENCE THAT LOYALTY IS UNDESERVED

Does a parent who severely beats a child, continually berates the child in front of others, and otherwise ignores the child still deserve loyalty? I think not, and yet time and time again, children of alcoholics remain loyal to their parents long after childhood. This loyalty is actually fear and insecurity. A strange bonding has occurred. As adults, they remain in destructive relationships because they have an obligation to stay if the other person says they still care. It also allows them to sustain their negative self-concept, especially if they are treated poorly within the relationship. They can spend time fantasizing about how it will be better. Coping this way is somehow safer than dealing with reality, since at least it is familiar and predictable. It is known, established, and controllable. Change comes with difficulty for adult children. To accept this destructiveness of the relationship is to suggest it needs to be changed or possibly ended. How can they accept this when they spend so much time afraid of abandonment?

After a series of these relationships, a pattern is evident to most people. It is not evident to the adult child. Part of this denial comes from not looking at the past and confronting it. That would be disloyal.

A.C.O.?.'S TEND TO LOCK THEMSELVES INTO A COURSE OF ACTION WITHOUT GIVING SERIOUS CONSIDERATION TO ALTERNATIVE BEHAVIORS OR POSSIBLE CONSEQUENCES. THIS IMPULSIVITY LEADS TO CONFUSION, SELF-LOATHING, AND LOSS OF CONTROL OF THEIR ENVIRONMENT. AS A RESULT, THEY SPEND TREMENDOUS AMOUNTS OF TIME CLEANING UP THE MESS.

This is the characteristic that A.C.O.?.'s find the most unsettling, frightening, and want to change the most. Impulsivity is rampant. Instant gratification, rather than deferred gratification, is a must. An attitude of "this is my last chance" is ingrained in the adult child. Broken promises have lent themselves to an attitude that if anything is to be gotten, it must be immediate or it won't be gotten. Damn the consequences. This is sometimes interpreted as being irresponsible or having fun. Chances are it is the simple reaction of an event that was in some way threatening to the adult child. To an observer, the adult child often seems to be grasping at straws. For the adult child of an alcoholic, what is perceived as the light at the end of the tunnel often turns out to be the headlight of an oncoming train.

SUMMARY

These characteristics are general in nature. Not all A.C.O.A.'s will have them all and some characteristics are probably missing. No family, dysfunctional or otherwise, produces carbon copies of people. Some of these characteristics sound despairing. There is help. Recovery can happen, one day at a time. Thousands of adult children of alcoholics are turning these characteristics and others into positive attributes. The desire to make things better and the willingness to exert the energy required is all that is necessary to make a good start on the process of getting well.

MORE CHARACTERISTICS AS STATED BY ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS THEMSELVES

1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures. 2. We became approval seekers and lost our own identity in the process. 3. We are frightened by angry people and personal criticism. 4. We either became alcoholics, married them (or both), or find another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our need (or expectation) for abandonment. 5. We live life from the viewpoint of helping and seeking victims, and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships. 6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. 7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves; instead, we give in to others. 8. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue. 9. We have stuffed back our feelings from our traumatic childhood and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings. 10. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self?esteem (sometimes compensated for by trying to appear superior). 11. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment. We will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience the pain of abandonment. We are conditioned to these types of relationships. 12. Alcoholism is a family disease, and we became para-alcoholic - we took on the characteristics of the disease even though we did not pick up the drink. 13. We became compulsive and obsessive in our behavior. 14. We are unknowingly trying to recreate the chaotic lifestyle we are familiar with. 15. We are afraid of intimacy and have difficulty forming close intimate relationships. 16. We became aware of feelings which seem to separate us from others, and we find ourselves depressed. Depression is epidemic in families which are dysfunctional.

ANONYMITY- A safe place to be and to share without concern. "WHAT WE SAY AND WHO WE SEE HERE STAYS HERE."

BEING WHO WE ARE- Getting rid of masks and pretenses. Being true to ourselves - being real. "IT IS OKAY TO BE WHO WE ARE."

BOUNDARIES- Defining what we allow to come into our lives. In seeking to allow less pain, abuse, chaos and stress into our lives, we set limits as to what we will do for others and set limits as to what we allow others to do to us. Learning to say NO in the process.

CARETAKING- Taking responsibility for others and NOT taking responsibility for ourselves.

CONTROLLING- Trying to force things to happen. Trying to make people do what we want them to do and trying to make life happen the way we think it should.

CROSSTALK- Commenting on what others say; interrupting; giving advice and fixing others or caretaking. (It is helpful to share with one another either after the meeting or by telephone.)

DEALING WITH FEELINGS- We learn IT IS OKAY TO FEEL. Learn to identify and own our feeling. We feel the feelings. (Denying or stuffing them doesn't make them go away.)

DENIAL- Our ability to ignore what is happening even when it is right before our eyes. We deny to protect ourselves until we are ready to deal with the truth.

DETACHMENT- Getting unhooked emotionally from others' problems or dysfunctional behaviors. Letting go with love.

DUMPING- Sharing in specifics rather than in general terms.

ENABLING- Helping others to preserve, protect, and maintain their addiction or dysfunctional behavior.

FAMILY OF ORIGIN WORK- Important process of looking at our past to determine what behavioral patterns we learned in childhood that are self-defeating today an create havoc in our lives. (This also allows us to heal from the feelings, behavioral patterns, and beliefs and any incidents of abuse we suffered as children.)

FAMILY POD- Six or eight members committed to working the 12 Steps together. These "families" use a workbook called The Twelve Steps - A Way Out for Adult Children or any other appropriate workbook.

HIGHER POWER- A power greater than ourselves. Freedom to choose whatever Power we are comfortable with. Can be God as we understand Him, Spirit, Universe Group (or whatever we can relate to) as long as it is a Power greater than ourselves.

INNER CHILD OR CHILD WITHIN- We each have a young child within us with all the feelings, fears, and needs that we had when we were children. (We may be 40 years old, but inside is a frightened 4 or 5 year old who needs to be loved and nurtured.) If we ignore the inner child, this child will act out and defeat us. Gradually, we learn how to recognize, listen to, and nurture this part of ourselves.

PAIN- Refers to emotional pain (i.e., anger, hurt, guilt, shame, etc.)

SPONSOR- Someone in the program we identify with and trust to share with on a personal level. A sponsor can help us understand our ACA characteristics, identify and work through our painful feelings, take responsibility for ourselves, love and nurture ourselves by guiding us through the 12 Steps.

WORKING THE PROGRAM- Meetings - Literature and Tapes - Sponsor - Telephone list - 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.